I just woke up from a dream in which I had just learned I was pregnant. I emotionally handled it like the worst diagnosis one could imagine –practically a death sentence. I felt fear of physical pain, that I wouldn’t be emotionally supportive enough, that my career would be over, that the baby would be deformed in my womb, that I would not look thin, I feared lack of health care and money, and it seemed I had no options out. I don’t think that’s how I would handle it in real life. But man that was stressful!
Why did I dream this? Creatively: I have been a bit stressed by a few mounting creative deadlines –momentous opportunities slated into my schedule for the near future. In Business: I have been trying to get my financial affairs in order, trying to figure out how my life and money works as a self-employed artist, and entering into the process of trying to buy a house with my husband. Spiritually: I have been simultaneously distracted by and fueled my desire to develop my intuition and hear my spirit guides, to learn lessons through the archetypes of the tarot, and to dive back into my (currently stagnant) yoga practice.
This year I made a resolution to embody the Hermit –to get to know myself internally. I have been engaging with activities that help me with self-reflection and lesson learning: journaling, writing calligraphy, doing tarot spreads, playing ukulele, spending time alone in my dance studio with the door closed listening to beautiful music. This blog is even a bit more about self reflection than about sharing. I write blogs because I find myself tempted to write detailed but unsatisfactory facebook statuses -so I am encouraging myself to elaborate instead. I have a sneaking suspicion that this dream I had is related to a bigger lesson I am in the process of learning right now. But it is so difficult to truly know the root cause of a silly dream.
The internal landscape is like the unknown depths of the ocean ruled by the tidal energies of the moon –mysterious and even scary to our conscious minds for we don’t know what lies under the surface and we don’t understand the forces that rule it. When things well up to the surface of the unconscious they have already been transformed and diluted –so dreams are still cryptic, simplistic, and confusing. To access the unpredictable and uncontrolled subconscious (where lies present and past fears and intuitive ability) you need a go-between: a dream interpreter, a shaman, I high priestess, a yogi. But to become one of those go-between characters you must have a relationship with the moon: as scary, unpredictable, and mysterious as she is. I am no high priestess, but according to a recent tarot spread the moon is in my future. So for now I sit with her mystery and she torments me a bit. I hope after she teaches me her hard lessons she will give me access to the depths of my own unconscious, to my intuition, and to my spirit guides.